Friday, April 26, 2013

Confessions of a Desperate Soul

I'm supposed to write here everyday for marketing purposes. Let people get to know me and my book will sell. Normally, I try to write something cute and optimistic, or vent about something that is not Earth-shattering.  Really that is who I am on a daily basis. I enjoy life on a whole. I don't let things bother me and I have had major things happen in my life. Hey, I was a teenage mom and twice divorced one was even abusive. I could write about my own life. Through it all I have enjoyed my children, my family and even became best friends with my first ex-husband and father of two of my kids. I have had major low points where I have cried into my pillow but  I have always had something to hold on to.

I can look in the mirror and see an extraordinarily strong individual that can love and care for others beyond, reasonableness at times. I can handle anything thrown my way with a smile and a laugh. I will go to any length to protect my kids and those that I love.
There is only one stress that I am unable to handle. Financial. Looking back at my life, when I have feasted is when I was married or counting on someone else to provide. When I am in famine, I am alone counting on myself. I'm not sure how I am such a failure in this area of my life. My biggest problem is that failure in this area spreads failure to other areas.  If I cannot bring in the right amount of income, I cannot pay for disasters like a broken down car. Mine has been on jacks in the driveway for a month now waiting for me and YouTube to get it right. Without the right income I cannot improve or even maintain my home properly. Like my 1930's garage that needs torn down waiting for me to be able to afford a dumpster as I stare at a letter from the city demanding it's removal or I get fined.  without the proper incoming funds I cannot properly pay my bills, which is why my gas got turned off yesterday and I sit wrapped in an electric blanket glad it's warm outside. That's what happens when you can only pay half your bill every month.  I hate that I get stressed when one of my kids ask for $5 for a school trip. Where will that come from? I give it to him with a smile and a kiss. But I am blessed that I have yet had a day that I m homeless or have gone hungry. My kids have never been forced to starve. They may have done it themselves refusing to eat chili because it has beans in it - God forbid - Beans.
I'm certainly not lazy. I currently work two jobs, three if you count my weak marketing attempts for this book. Unfortunately, they are both minimum wage jobs. I accepted the first job that would hire me in spite of knowing I was not suited for it. I do not manage others well, but it's a paycheck. No one else has called in regards to my application. I have certainly applied to enough jobs that I would thoroughly enjoy and pays enough to meet my needs. I didn't even get  call to interview.
I qualify for public assistance but I am not on it. It would help and I am not too prideful to accept it. I wouldn't advertise I'm on it but I wouldn't refuse if it means I can take better care of my kids. They will not accept me because I refuse child support from my oldest son's dad. After I had my son, three days before my nineteenth birthday, his dad decided cocaine dealing was a good vocation. I refuse to let someone like that have parental rights to my child. My son is 16 now and never met him. I refuse to change it now. Child support agencies don't understand or care. I am an enigma to them. Because I put the safety of my son before a check, I disqualify myself from that help.
 I am working hard to make the book sell, after all I believe in it. It's my dream job and has the potential to be my financial cure. I know in the right marketing hands, not mine, it can be a sensation and provide me with a job that doesn't make me ready to cry when I clock out. After all, they say that if you can make a living doing something you love, you will never work a day in your life. I think in time it will do well, I just can't afford patience right now. I am having a hard time finding that marketer /promoter that is willing to be my salvation.
I have no desire to own the mansion on the hill. I don't want to go to the Caribbean every year. I want to have enough money to fix up my house to be a great home for my kids and be a place where I can bring my Mom to help her care for my Step-Dad with MS and in a wheel-chair.  I want pizza on Friday - guilt free. I want, when my kids ask for money, to give it stress free. When disaster strikes, I want to be prepared to complain about the cost of the mechanic or the plumber, then pay them without hesitation or fear.
Maybe someone will answer my ad today and my salvation will reveal themselves in their marketing genius and this particular misery will be resolved.
Oh well, tomorrow is another day and I will post something cheerful.
But if you know of a miraculously good marketer/pr guy  ...let me know